Topic: I gotta meet more people

[shock]

Board hasn't had a new thread in a while, so I thought I would indulge you all.

I have been pursuing a friend of mine for about about a month now.  Since coming to college and breaking up with my ex, I have met lots of cool people that are fun hookups and what not, but I haven't ran into anyone that I would really want to pursue a long term relationship with.  Until I started getting to know this girl.  She is pretty much everything I look for in a significant other.

The problem was that she gave off tons of confusing signals.  She slept in my bed frequently, but would never let anything happen between us.  One of the super flirty types for sure, which gave me good vibes about it all. 

But I guess it was all misread, because she just thinks of me as a friend I found out today.

I think I have to find new ways to meet more people in college.  All of the ones I meet at parties and what not are just interested in hooking up, and that's no basis for a real relationship in my opinion.  Maybe if I joined more clubs/other stuff I could run into more people in a better atmosphere? 

I guess I am pretty picky when it comes to women.  But it's frustrating to be looking for a serious thing when no one else is, then you finally find someone who you could see yourself with after 8 months of looking, but she isn't in to you.

[/rambling and bitching]

[Antares]

Oddly enough something similar happened to me on St. Patty's day.  I had been crushing on this girl for who knows how long, she is the super flirty type always sitting on my lap, holding hands we kissed on more than one occasion.  Honestly it sucks when a girl is that flirty, all the normal signals get completely confused and there is no way to tell if she is actually interested.  Unfortunately for me after already having a rough night I got sick of her being flirty, told her I liked her and got rejected.  After this happened I called her a cock tease and told her off, which actually made me feel better but I haven't talked to her since, and probably won't anytime soon.

The whole lets just be friends speech always sucks.

As far as meeting people goes, I say do whatever you can to meet as many people as possible.  You'll never have more opportunities than in college to meet people, a fact I can attest to having been away from school for two years now, my social life has seriously stagnated.  More people randomly come into your life in college than anywhere else.  As for meeting different kinds of people, it might help joining a club or something.  Have you throught about getting people together from your classes to meet in the library to study?  I didn't start doing this until I was a junior when harder classes pretty much make it necessary, but I actually got to know a lot of different people I wouldn't have otherwise met.  Nearly everyone is receptive to meeting in the library to study for an hour or two on a weeknight.

[Quemaqua]

Beware the superflirts.  It never works out, and they're always crazy.

[Cobra951]

The word I remember for them is "tease".  When a girl is a tease, avoid at all costs.  The bit of fun you get out of them can't offset the rest of the baggage that comes with it.

[sirean_syan]

If you find people in your classes that you enjoy just a little, study and hang out with them. You get study partners in the short term, which could help things, you potientally get buddies in the longer term, and you might get a partner in the longest term. That's how I met Aimee. We were both in a history class and by finals we were a couple. That's the short version of the story.

I imagine the plus to this approach is you might generally be hanging out with better people. Since they're there to study and not a quick night of fun, they tend to have more qualities of a decent person thinking in the longer term. It's sorta like the whole meeting girls in church thing. I'm sure it's not always true, but it just has a better chance of finding that nice partner who doesn't care about one night stands or even partying, but wouldn't mind being with the same person for a long period of time.

[Raisa]

maybe you're going too fast, shock.

I know some super flirts and some of them I can't stand, but some are real sweet.  The other one, she's  just really like that, affectionate.  She doesn't flirt on purpose, it's just the way she is.  She confused people but when you got to know her, you'd realize she's just the type who always wants to be hugged/held.  We teased her a lot because she drove guys nuts since she was really pretty and sweet.  She's gotten married and courtship took years.  She ended up with the one who was most patient.

But no worries about being single, am 27 and single!!  Yeah, people get on my case but.. I have priorities and finding someone who can accept with those priorities and who's not in just for the fun and is willing to be serious.. well that'll be cool..

[Cobra951]

I've met plenty of sweet affectionate girls whom I'd never confuse for "super flirts".  There's a big difference.  The tease is the girl who gets off on driving the guys crazy with come ons which never lead to what the signals clearly imply.  I can't say what category this girl falls into, obviously, since I don't know her and I wasn't there.  I'm just going by what I read in the thread.

[Jedi]

I know a chick who's pretty flirty and likes to get a bit "dirty" on the dance floor. She's ok looking but I'd so hit that but we're just friends... oh and she's married.  Which makes the dance floor action so funny becuase the hubby's a little up tight.

Mean while I too am single and looking down the barrel of 27. Last night it hit me that in just over 3 years I'll be 30... if I had plans to be married by 30 I think I'd be worried. 

[Antares]

Super Flirty girls always seem to have uptight partners.  I work with a girl who is that way.

[PyroMenace]

Im not a super social person, hell im barely a social person at all, so I dont usually make friends all that much. I used to think of it as a weakness and it used to drive me crazy. Then I realized its really who I am, I naturally prefer to be alone, and I like the friends that I have now so I tend to hold to them as long as I can. So how that translates to females makes the situation incredibly difficult. I have issues with flirty types as they are constantly sending wrong signals because they do it so much. And any chick that could have the best chemistry with me is pretty much a shut in like I am so my chances are like one in a million. I guess you really have to learn to take things easy, and be yourself. If your an outgoing guy, finding the right chick will come naturally. I mainly just look at being single as a luxury, and from what ive seen with friends that force relationships, they become far more burdening than being a luxury.

[Quemaqua]

I think that's smart.  Sometimes you do have to go a little outside yourself to meet people... but sometimes you don't, and forcing it is *always* stupid.  Relationships aren't the end goal of life, they're just a nice addition to it (provided you find someone who really does it for you), and once they become serious they also bring a shitload of effort and time commitment.  While that, in the right relationship, will balance out with an equal amount of good, that doesn't negate the fact that they do take a lot out of you if you're going to do it right, and hence I think (and have seen) that some people are happier being alone in the long run.

For what I've learned in my own life, I'd say that you're basically right: just be who you are and you'll probably end up finding someone.  If not, forcing it isn't the answer, because that'll just make everything more complicated and make you even less happy than you'd have been if you just stayed single.  Be happy being you and everything else will take care of itself one way or another.

[Cobra951]

On the other hand, Pyro is right in that without opportunities, events will never unfold.  What he needs to do is find situations which provide opportunities without cramping his style.  Aren't abstracts wonderful?  I can sit here and talk about things without knowing a damn thing about particulars.  That is, I don't have any real answers for him, only a vague framework he might use to find his own.

[MysterD]

I have been pursuing a friend of mine for about about a month now.  Since coming to college and breaking up with my ex, I have met lots of cool people that are fun hookups and what not, but I haven't ran into anyone that I would really want to pursue a long term relationship with.  Until I started getting to know this girl.  She is pretty much everything I look for in a significant other.

The problem was that she gave off tons of confusing signals.  She slept in my bed frequently, but would never let anything happen between us.  One of the super flirty types for sure, which gave me good vibes about it all. 

But I guess it was all misread, because she just thinks of me as a friend I found out today.

Ouch. That sucks.
Sorrie to hear that, man.

I think I have to find new ways to meet more people in college.  All of the ones I meet at parties and what not are just interested in hooking up, and that's no basis for a real relationship in my opinion.  Maybe if I joined more clubs/other stuff I could run into more people in a better atmosphere?

I guess I am pretty picky when it comes to women.  But it's frustrating to be looking for a serious thing when no one else is, then you finally find someone who you could see yourself with after 8 months of looking, but she isn't in to you.

[/rambling and bitching]

I think you should just keep goin' out and doin' things, just not lookin' for much of anything. Friendships usually can lead to something more; always a great start, if you ask me. After many years of lookin' and nothing ever materializing for some reason, when I pretty much gave up for a bit on the lookin' part and it actually decided to find me...

...And that's how I found my current ex-girlfriend -- well, it's more like, she found me. Of all places, yeah -- on the Net, sometime in the middle of last year. I never saw that one coming; never expected it. Never saw *that* coming. So, we eventually met and our 1st meeting went....well, quite perfect! It eventually led from a friendship to a relationship, in no time. What we had was great, for the most part. But, eventually, like great most things in life itself -- nothing lasts forever; especially the greatness. It's quite unfortunate and saddens me....still love her. Always will.


 

[Raisa]

I like this thread because I realize that there are more people like me than I actually thought.  Like Pyro, I don't have many friends and I don't go out of my way to make friends.   My best friend from my pre-teen and early teen years, I've always kept in touch with.  Her life is absolutely different from mine and she lives thousands of miles away.  We talk alot maybe once or twice in a year but that's about it.  The other friend I'm really close to is always busy, and I'm busy too, so we never really get to talk, but when we do, we know exactly where to start off.

Awhile ago, I thought it was laziness kicking in and keeping me from having a social life.  But I figure it's much simpler not having one and building one.  Life's complicated enough.  Being alone is quite comforting.  And relationships that do spring up tend to be more special cause it happens without being sought.

[Antares]

I for one don't advocate sitting on your ass wating for fate to smile upon you, but to each his own.

[Raisa]

hahah... well if you sit on your ass and do nothing..that's something else.  Or if you purposely veer away from people and hide in the hermit cave, well good luck

[Antares]

I guess thats all I'm saying.  I only bring it up because I was until recently tending toward the hermit in a cave direction and am just starting to put myself back out there and am having a great time with it.  I just wish that I hadn't wasted so much time before comming to this realization.

[Raisa]

ahh... good luck!

It's fun getting to know co-workers when it's not too busy.  Then you can start matching a personality to the work habits and reports. 

[Quemaqua]

And keep in mind not everybody is outgoing and such.  My wife isn't outgoing in the least bit.  Very shy, doesn't go out much, doesn't always deal so well with people.  But we met, and it was a love at first sight kind of thing for me.  It didn't take too long after we kept running into each other for her to feel the same way, and the rest is history.  So for some just "getting out there" and such isn't really an option just because they don't have the personality for it.  I'm perfectly willing to pursue things, but I'm not a party guy.  I can party hard, but that isn't the environment in which I would ever want to find someone.  For me, it's basically just random luck when I meet someone for the simple fact that if I ever went anywhere with the express intent of finding someone, I'd probably only find people who weren't right for me.

[idolminds]

Dude, just wear a Pac-Man shirt to a mexican restaurant. Problem solved.

[Quemaqua]

He speaks the truth.  Idol knows the score after seducing a waitress in California.  <porn music>bow-chica-bow-ooow</porn music>

[gpw11]

I hate it when I don't get pop culture references. 

As for the topic at hand: I don't know.  I'm more in ant's train of thought.  Try to meet as many people as you can and see what follows.


Now, are you really sure you want to actually have a girlfriend?  Just let things flow.  Some guys get all worked up when they don't have a girlfriend and I'm sure that doesn't help, but what's the point?  A girlfriend for the sake of having a girlfriend is pretty pointless.  I mean, I can understand the sexual aspect, but there are no shortage of people out there willing to have sex if that's all you're after.  As for an actual relationship, that's just the kind of thing that happens.  I don't think you can really force it or look for it too hard, or else it'll just be a bit contrived. 

[Raisa]

gpw11 really reminds me of my cousin.  It's bizarre.

[Ghandi]

I guess thats all I'm saying.  I only bring it up because I was until recently tending toward the hermit in a cave direction and am just starting to put myself back out there and am having a great time with it.  I just wish that I hadn't wasted so much time before comming to this realization.

Perhaps you wouldn't have come to the realization if you hadn't wasted the time in the first place. Sometimes we have to hide in the cave to realize how green the grass is when we get out.

[sirean_syan]

Actually, I'm with GP on this one. I believe a lot of women out there have boyfriends simply because they feel they should and it sorta screws them up. That's something that should swing both ways, although it's probably not said very often. No one should be in a relationship just because they think they have to be. It'll create false dependence and the sort.

[Jedi]

Well I think everything I would say has been said.
Speaking for myself I don't have much confidence when it comes to woman and my resent attempt was a misfire that didn't even get off the ground. Looking back at my past relationships woman come into my life when I'm not even looking for it/them – it’s when I’m more relaxed about the prospect of a relationship and as I write this it occurs to me that they probably pick that up in me too – what woman would want a stressed out supper keen guy looking for something serious?
So now the girl I mentioned before, I’m far more relaxed around her and I think she’s picked that and she seems a little more keen, so that putting me in a position where I’ll take another swing at it (while remaining relaxed).

Hmm I guess the short of this is: if you’re anything other than relaxed about meeting woman and having a relationship, chicks will pick up on it and as a result you’ll get fewer possibilities.

[Antares]

Yes, women can smell desperation like a vile stink.

I also find telling a girl you like her is much less effective than showing it.  Telling them freaks them out.

[Quemaqua]

Ant is wise.  Before you've really broached that kind of subject with a woman, actions beat words any day of the week.  Words are important later.

[Raisa]

bingo.  i've had someone enthusiastically and profusely profess how much he loves me..  where's he now??  well...  I went the other direction really fast.

[PyroMenace]

and to this day, I am utterly heartbroken... a total wreck.

THANKS A LOT!

[Jedi]

Haha now don't get me wrong I'm in no way planing to say how I feel but man just imagine it: 

Me: "I love you! Now love me back!"
or
Me: "I want you to have my babies!"
or
Me: "I want to have your babies!"
Followed by me tackling her as she tries to leave the room. 

Yeah nah.... I'm far more keen to keep building the relationship while doing the whole actions speak louder than words bit, it does seem to be working.