Overwritten.net
Community => General Discussion => Topic started by: Ghandi on Thursday, September 17, 2009, 09:18:11 PM
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And it won't shut the fuck up. It keeps chirping. Hours have gone by. I think it's mocking me. It's chirps have turned into "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you." Take the noise of a cricket and overlay those vocals an you have what I'm going through.
I don't know how to get rid of it. I went out and searched for it, but the little bastards are crafty. They hide in the grasses. I've thought about getting a flamethrower but the guy that lives above me is a carpenter and he has tons of wood lying around. Highly flammable, bad idea. Plus I don't even know where to get a flamethrower. It's a horrible situation.
How do I get rid of this son of a bitch? I can picture him now hopping around like a fucking rabbit eating my vegetables and raping my women.
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I don't know, man. I like crickets.
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I think killing a cricket is bad luck.
No idea how to get rid of it.
Fun fact. Count how many times a cricket chirps in 15 seconds, then add 37 to that number and you have the temperature.
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I did the math. The temperature equates to absolute death (to crickets).
I can't believe we have so many cricket sympathizers here. All they do is feed birds. And all birds do is shit on your head.
But, hey - if you love getting shitted on, I understand. If you are a cricket lover, it only makes sense that you would enjoy getting shat on.
CAN WE GET SOME CRICKET HATERS IN HERE? Goodness...
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Fuck fact?
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How did I miss that...
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Drunk? High? Enraged by crickets?
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You obviously don't know me well. At this point, if I'm posting, I'm drunk. And I'm always enraged by crickets. Chirping motherfuckers.
WHERE ARE THE SOLUTIONS?! THE FOOD CHAIN DEMANDS HIS (or her?) HEAD!!
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Ah, so my agent is in place and the plan is moving to phase 2....
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Hahaha
Ooops. I was kind of pissed off when I was typing that. Maybe some subconscious thought or something.
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Fuck fact: Scary will fucking kill you.
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Fuck fact: Tactical Survival Bacon™ is no defense against Scary.
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Fuck fact: Scary will remove your heart with a knife.
A FUCKING KNIFE (http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a25c3921ac949e5011acad733f500d4)
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I had the same problem about a year back. The fucker was hidding underneath the entryway of the door so I couldn't get to it. I tried stabbing a knife under there (yea, a fucking knife) and it would shutup for a little bit but would just start up again later. So I ended up taking my can of compressing air, tipped it upside down and sprayed.
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I basically live in a garage, and I hear crickets constantly, mostly outside. (fuck the wilderness) I will track down and kill those bitches when they get inside though. I pretty much do the same with the spiders and mice.
Speaking of which, I need some mousetraps. I broke the last one. I caught the mouse across the face but didn't kill it. It's eye was hanging out and shit and it was kicking around for like 30 minutes trying to get out. So, not wanting to touch it (I'm sort of a germaphobe when it comes to wild animals), I took a hammer to the thing and broke the mousetrap in the process. Some brain also flew across the floor leaving a trail. I had to wipe that shit up.
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when i had a pet lizard, i fed him live crickets. only problem was that he's sometimes leave them for days before catching them - which meant constant chirping in my bedroom. it was always awesome watching him kill those fuckers though.
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ahahahahaha did he really type fuck fact?
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You obviously don't know me well. At this point, if I'm posting, I'm drunk. And I'm always enraged by crickets. Chirping motherfuckers.
WHERE ARE THE SOLUTIONS?! THE FOOD CHAIN DEMANDS HIS (or her?) HEAD!!
Food chain may indeed be the answer. Raise chickens in your yard? But then the rooster gets you up at sunrise.
When I lived in NY for that one disturbing year, crickets would occasionally get inside the walls. My solution for that also works when I'm sharing a hotel room with my very loudly snoring brother: Sleep on my side with my head between 2 pillows. I hate earplugs. (Tried them too.)
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---FINAL BATTLE---
A little over a week ago, relishing sweet relief from the aforementioned incessantly chirping motherfucker of a cricket in the daylight (for they only chirp under cloak of darkness, as their shadowy credo demands), I decided to cook a nourishing supper. A well seasoned steak and potatoes topped with unhealthiness being the only option, of course.
As I'm preparing this feast of men, a smoke alarm that I never knew existed (as I just moved in) decides to go off. As is there is little smoke, I'm confused; however, I disable the smoke alarm with successive blows from my mighty fists and open my doors for good measure. Problem solved. I enjoy my feast as I celebrate my dominance over lesser beings.
Across the room, the long-legged noise factory senses an opening and moves in. Jumping like the asshole he is, he takes cover in the corner of my dining room. I eat happily in bliss towards the infiltration....and then I hear him. Things are broken in my search for him. Angels overhead cheer for my mighty cause.
And then I see him. Beady little eyes, freakishly long legs, mocking me with his very existence. He lets out one last cry - "fffuuuckkk.......yooouu----" and I smite him with my shoe.
Final score -
Ghandi - 1
Motherfucking cricket - 0
....
Or is it?
After my battle, I have killed no less than 13 crickets in my dining room. I thought nothing of it, however, as I assumed they were merely pissed that I killed their beloved leader. Let them come, they are weak without him.
And then, yesterday, I heard him. Same hallway. Same fucking chirping. SON OF A BITCH.
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Bravo team down. I repeat, Bravo team down. Charlie move in. Alpha remain in position.
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;D
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As I'm preparing this feast of men,
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Hahaha! I needed to laugh my ass off. Mission accomplished. ;D
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THEY HAVE RETURNED
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Excellent.
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IT BEGINS
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http://www.howtogetridofstuff.com/pest-control/how-to-get-rid-of-crickets/
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Ghandi? I will help you. I hate all minorities - especially crickets. I will do whatever it takes sir.