Topic: Hi, y'all. Resident old guy rambles . . .

[Cobra951]

I'm sitting here wondering why I even decided to bang on my keys here.  I don't know.  I guess it's been a while since I really said something significant.  In case no one noticed, I wasn't here last week, at all.  I was in Puerto Rico seeing family.  My mother's side of the family decided to have a big party to do just that.  We were in a pair of beach houses in Arecibo, home of the big-ass radio-telescope freatured in Contact.  Great fun was had by all.  I got to see both my sister and my brother who live elsewhere in the US.  One of my 2 brothers from Cinci was able to make it as well, so only one of us was absent.  I got to see 3 of my nieces and my older daughter there, plus all kinds of people I hadn't seen in at least 17 years.  I even saw the daughter of a girlfriend I had way back.  It took me a while to realize I wasn't looking at her mother. 

Every time I go there, I wonder why in the hell my parents brought us here, and then stayed here.  I can see coming here for a psychiatry training program; but staying here forever was just plain dumb.  Back home, we are very well-connected people.  Here, we're just stumbling immigrants.  Most Puerto Ricans in the States, the so-called Newyoricans, are here because they are poor and uneducated, and came seeking a better life.  This is just not at all our situation.  We gave up so much.

So what's keeping me here?  I'm no longer married.  I no longer have delusions of getting back together with my family, regardless of how desperately I've wanted to be with my daughters again.  While I was in Arecibo, I had a long conversation with a cousin.  This guy is one of the richest people on the island.  His family is one of the greatest success stories you could ever read about.  Completely unprompted and unsolicited, he basically offered to give me whatever help I needed.  I'm sure he didn't mean a wad of cash, but rather helping me along whatever path I chose to walk on my own feet.  A couple of days later, another cousin of my mother's was offering to help me along in Ponce, a lovely city in the south of the island.  She is influential there.

I've been back since Saturday, and here I sit, not having acted on any of this, wondering why the fuck I'm so indecisive and spineless.  I know people say all kinds of shit in social situations which doesn't necessarily lead to any gold pots or even rainbows.  But this I think is at least worth looking into.  Yet I'm so out of the Puerto Rico scene after 37 years that I fear I could never adapt to what would certainly be a huge change.

I suck, that's all there is to it.  Feel free to flog me at will.  Maybe I just didn't get enough of that when I really needed it.

[idolminds]

If you do it, can we all come visit?

[TheOtherBelmont]

What exactly would you want to do when you're out there?  Go back to school?  Choose a new career path?  If your cousin is willing to help you out as much as he says he will I would go for it man.  You'll get used to living there, people adapt to change.  If you are out there, you would still be able to post here, right?  If you end up missing the states that much while you are out there you could always visit your brother in Cincy every now and then or just move back once you've gotten on your feet again.  Maybe a temporary life change is what you need to feel better about yourself.

[Quemaqua]

Your absence was noted.  Also, you don't suck.  Those kinds of decisions are just plain hard to make.  Packing it all up and trying something new is one of the hardest things to do, and it only gets easier in certain circumstances, such as when you feel like packing it up and failing at (or not enjoying) the new location wouldn't really lose you anything.

Anyway, I don't know that I can give you any real advice.  I'm apparently the king of getting stuck into useless situations that I can't get out of, so... yeah.  But either way, you don't suck.  You just need to have your confidence boosted again.  We all know what you're capable of.  If you really decided that you wanted to try this out and make it work, then you would; and you'd do fine.

[Cobra951]

That all makes sense.  (And yes, I'd let you visit, idol.)  Half the time it feels like I'm dodging the issue, but when I do try to think about what exactly the moves would be, I can't wrap my head around it.  There's this big void where I should be seeing a path.  This has been my problem since my whole life went astray a few years ago.  No direction.  It's the kind of thing that would have pissed me off about someone else in my naive youth, when I believed we all control our destinies.  So when someone tells me "I'll help you, but you need to find your own direction", I want to die.  I feel so ineffectual.  Even when the excuses go away, I still hem, haw, and get nowhere.

Really, what both of you guys said makes perfect sense.  Thanks for listening.  Yeah, I can post from wherever I end up.  So I'll be around regardless.

[Ghandi]

It sounds to me like you want to go. In situations like the one you are in, before I commit I always think about what happens if it utterly fails. What is plan B? Then, once I figure that out, I always feel much better, knowing that even if things go horribly wrong I know what I am going to do. But, most of the time, things work out better than that.

[Quemaqua]

Absolutely.  Ghandi posted probably the best advice anybody could give you.  If you go into something knowing what you'll do if the worst happens, then even when it happens you feel like you expected it, like... "Okay, here it is, now I'll just deal with it the way I knew I'd have to".  But as he said, you generally find that the worst isn't what happens, and once you get yourself comfortable enough to move on the idea, 90% of the time it works out just fine.

[Raisa]

Ditto.. I say go.  I guess change is almost always daunting to face.  But most of the time it's all in one's mind that things would go wrong then when it finally happens - it's better than what your mind thought.

I'm at a point in my life where I constantly need change or I get absolutely bored.  I'm really frightened of getting bored because the devil starts to get the better of me.  I guess this fact contributes to my moving around so much the last 3 years or so.

[scottws]

Well, wherever you end up, let me know before you depart Cincy.

[Cools]

It'll never be perfect if you go back, but at least you'll have more family who could help you out. You've been out of Porto Rico for a long time and you will probably never feel like you "fit in" in that society either.

Sorry to bring this up, but in some ways I can relate to you. My family travelled a lot and I can could call four countries "home", yet I even now that I've lived in one of them for over 10 years (Canada), I still don't feel like I belong here. My mom and dad are the only family I have here, I don't really have any family left in the previous countries I've lived in (they've moved as well) and I haven't seen most of them in over 14 years. So no matter how much I feel like I want to go back somewhere else, that place doesn't really exist anymore...

[Raisa]

Cobra, I don't know much about Puerto Rico.. but would life overall be happier there?  Are people more open and just have a more happy outlook on life?

I've been to a few places that are absolutely beautiful but people's attitude on life seems so negative and it makes those places not very desirable as far as visiting  - what more living.

like cools... as far as home.. i've learned to make home in a place that's not really a physical place. 

[Cobra951]

The attitudes there are generally positive.  Lots of family, for one thing.  It's only 100 miles by 35, so there isn't too far people can go without leaving altogether.  The weather is tropical, meaning endless summer.  Weather has a lot to do with people's health and attitude.  Life expectancy is long.  There's no religious bullshit.  The country is 95% Catholic, and they don't have to be defensive about beliefs, morality, holidays, or which end is up.  People there love to have a good time, and have little use for overbearing authority.  On the minus side, it's overcrowded.  Roads are a nightmare much of the day.  Driving style is aggressive, but seldom leads to road rage.  Road rules are more like good suggestions, and everyone's on board with that.  Crime is higher than it should be.  The better neighborhoods are fenced in.

I wrote down some other stuff initially, but after reading it, I couldn't stand it.  So I'll let it go at that short unofficial description, and leave thoughts about my personal situation out until I can say something less pathetic.