So I've been on mood stabilizing medication for almost a decade, one of which I wasn't supposed to be taking for as long as I did. Antidepressant use have almost become a norm in America now and even been over prescribed in a lot of cases, anyway I don't want go into the politics of it. I had stopped working almost a year ago and been back as a full time student. One could recommend not getting off of them at this time, haha. But I did it partly because of financial reasons and another being that... after almost a decade, my head is in a very different place than where it was back then. I spoke to a professional about it, and he agreed it's something I should do when I found the right time, so I started waning myself off shortly after that appointment. After a couple more weeks I had stopped completely. I will say the 2nd week of going off I could definitely feel it. Just my mind coping and feeling the withdrawals. Just walking through campus and feeling something was definitely off, it was a little rough, but I soon got over it a couple days later. There were a few more waves of mood swings but I finally started to level out. I actually took the summer off, the very end of the spring semester actually fairly rough. My level of anxiety was definitely hitting its limits and I almost failed one of my courses, but I was generally surprised at how I pulled off decent grades in the rest of them. Anyway I had the summer off and an open schedule of pretty much doing anything I wanted for the first time since I graduated high school. I know rarely anybody gets to have this kind of free time at my age so I was very grateful I had this opportunity, and frankly, I hardly deserved any of it. But over those three months things were starting to click more in my head, I guess the most apt yet cliched comparison is I felt less cloudy. It wasn't happiness, but definitely a greater understanding and easy processing of old emotional struggles in my head. Even when I communicate with people I feel like I read everything they are saying more efficiently. I know... a lot of what I'm saying sounds stupid (fuck this almost reads like that Tarvuism video) or that I'm just thinking too much... but I guess the point of it is that I actually don't think too much anymore because I get it. Also my appetite went waaaay the fuck down. Holy shit what a difference, I don't even crave sweets anymore which thinking back I had a vicious sweet tooth. I still enjoy those things but I don't have any appeal to eat it anymore. Even my thirst for heavy drinking has greatly diminished, I still can put away a whole lot of booze but I can walk away from it much more easily. I lost some weight... but I gained a lot during my last relationship and would like to lose more. I honestly thought that maybe it was just the fact that I currently had no pressure from any job or work or relationship was relating to my mental state, but even coming back to classes again the last couple months, I still feel more clear headed. Being a returning student I definitely learned that I still feel anxiety the same way I did back then.. but how I deal with it has changed some.
Anyway this is getting too long, point is I honestly don't see myself needing the meds like I used to. I will say they helped for that period of life I was in, but definitely was not a cure all. So yea, Ive been wanting to write this down in some way so figured I would just do it here. I also want to apologize to you all for being a little overly hostile in a handful of threads, to Cobra because I was being a jackass. I'm in my 30s now and I really should tone that shit down like a decent individual. So yea... that's it... and I'm out!
