So maybe this has been a long time coming, maybe it's more that the joke just got old, but I think I owe you guys an apology. Please bear with me, as this will be a little longish.
Firstly, Scott has resigned his position as admin, a fact many of you probably aren't aware of since he posted the news in the admin forum and not out here. His resignation may or may not have been related to something I said, and I'm not here to speculate whether or not this is the case. I certainly think he's got thicker skin than that, especially since my original post in response to his first comment was meant in jest, but if that's what tipped the scales, then I apologize. I certainly had no intention of causing any lasting discomfort, but I was mad at the time, and a good bit more drunk than I have been in some time, and what I said following that was spiteful. So I'll leave the facts about whatever bearing I may or may not have had on the situation to Scott, if he wants to impart it, as he's the only one who knows. I can make assumptions, but no matter the reality of the situation, I certainly did nothing to help it. At the very least, I think he had been losing steam for some time, and who could blame him for it? He was one of the very, very few here that had the skill to do anything with the site/forums and was also willing to put in the effort. We have folks with skill, and folks who would have been willing to try and do stuff had they the knowledge or time, but there aren't many with both qualities. So I thank Scott (and Ant too) for that and for all his efforts, and if he feels like his priorities have changed, surely that's a logical step for him. Especially since he got absolutely no reward for doing any of it, and I don't know that we were as grateful as we should have been for it all.
Anyway, it has been subsequently pointed out to me that I've been acting like a dick, and while I feel maybe that's been going around for a number of us lately, after spending some time in thought about it, there seems little room for justification or denial. This is mostly in relation to the comment I made in the D&D thread. When it was made, it was because I felt somewhat personally insulted. I felt like someone was trying to undermine one of my attempts at bringing us together to do something, which is what led to my retaliation, and certainly what beo said is very true: I've been plenty negative about all kinds of shit. So was it hypocritical to be offended? Maybe, I don't know. I've related what was going through my head at the time, and as mentioned I was drunk, which always makes things worse. I leave that to your judgment. In either case, I reacted poorly.
So this brings me to the main point: I feel like I'm causing more harm than good. I've always been a little caustic, perhaps, and probably too frequently I go on diatribes probably best described as corrosive, but it began almost more as a gag, or at least grew to be one. I was always a little too quick with that stuff, and it sort of became a "thing", at least with the people I'm most close to here. It occurs to me now, however, that maybe some didn't "get" it so much; and beyond that, there came a point where it evolved from some perceived persona and became more of who I was. I was bitter about my job, circumstances, misfortunes... ever since my dad died it's gotten worse and worse, especially when I found out about and had to start dealing with my wife's condition. But it's gotten even more out of hand now. Ever since my job moved, I haven't been dealing well. The stress of not only the move but also the changes in management and the hypocrisy/intra-office political bullshit have been too much and I haven't been coping. My wife has also been depressed for months now over various issues generally relating to her condition and lack of success (too, lack of care) in treatment, and the fact that her disability claim has been repeatedly denied, leaving us continually in the red every month after our rent increased and we incurred all the new expenses related to the new work site. Our relationship has suffered because of this, and to make it all worse like the idiot I am, I started drinking again.
My point is that while I may have been a bit negative, pessimistic, angsty, or whatever about stuff before, enough that I might have rubbed some people the wrong way, I'm now a pretty crappy human being in general. My frustration with the general aura of disinterest that seems to hang around OWnet, and the lack of response to my efforts at organizing things (however misguided they may have been in the end) kind of sealed the deal. I've been subconsciously trying to simply keep threads going with posts, but really all I've been doing is spilling more of the bile that's slowly overwhelmed my heart. I come home from a long day at a job I hate, a double-long commute in blasting heat with idiots cutting me off the whole way, and right through the door I'm about ready to punch someone in the face. And what's the first thing I do? Start drinking and posting on the boards. And that's pretty stupid in no uncertain terms.
So I was initially going to say that in the best interests of the site and its remaining members, I should just leave, save everyone the grief, try to go get a handle on myself and rein myself in. But the more I thought about it, the more that sounded like a big cop out, and the more confused I became as to how badly I'd really been acting and who I really affected through my actions. And with Scott stepping down, probably the worst thing I could do would be to just leave and not at least do my part to lend a hand with whatever would need taking care of in his absence. Instead, I decided I wanted to try a combination of three things, which are as follows:
1.) Apologize. I see plainly in the wake of some of my recent stupidity that I haven't been doing well in life or labor, and for anyone that I've affected intentionally or unintentionally, I apologize sincerely. I hope I can somehow make restitution.
2.) Ease off. Not as in go and leave the boards forever, but as in try to concentrate on getting my shit together for a little while so as to deal with some of my real life problems, hopefully in ways that will allow me to return to being only a slightly annoying dick instead of the giant tool I guess I am right now.
3.) Persevere. I had said last night that I'd do what I can to help the site, and it isn't going to be of service to anyone if I renege on that. I don't have what it takes to do much, but I will try to contribute financially if it's feasible for me to do so, and I'll try to work with whoever in helping to do any tasks that are in my power to do. I don't know how we want to proceed exactly, but I feel strongly that idol is the man to take over the 2nd admin position because he has the time, the ability to learn, and the willingness to try.
Anyway... sorry for making you read or skim all that, but I hope that anyone I've insulted directly or indirectly will accept my apologies, and I hope OWnet as a whole can start looking forward.
