You know, you’re probably right even though I don’t want to admit – especially in this case. Either way, I’ve kind of been worked up about it over the last couple of days and it’s stupid.
I talked to her a few nights ago, which pretty much consisted of back and forth machine messages. Basically, I was like “fuck it” and called her, leaving a message seeing if she wanted to meet up again for a “second round” interview. She called back a little while later claiming that she thought it was an “orientation” blah blah, blah, sounded like she did want to meet at some point. I left her another message, didn’t hear back and somehow have this feeling I’m not going to.
Like I said, I probably shouldn’t have called in the first place so it’s not a big deal, but for some stupid reason it’s totally eating me up. I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t like this chick, obviously I did – more than most – but there was a lot of shit there I should in no way get involved in. Let’s put this in perspective (keep in mind that this girl is one year older than me to the day):
-Her kids are 4 and 8. When she was giving birth to her second kid I was probably doing blow off CD case lying on a bench at 4 am with some with some bar starts in a very nice part of town while my DJ friend an myself laughed to ourselves how we were on call at work. That’s not really the same thing.
-While she was giving birth to her second child I was probably in Cancun for spring break with my university buddies. It may have been the morning we decided to hotbox our room and my friend ended up having to ditch a bunch of blow and weed out the window while I distracted the resort security guards banging on our door because the girls next door complained. Also not really the same thing. Obviously, the dates aren’t going to line up, but this is just to show the differences in mentalities.
-She has two kids. My roommate and I decided we’d try to steal some kitten that wandered into our house last year but couldn’t figure out what to feed it and didn’t want to buy cat food. We released it back into the wild. A side note here is to tag or collar your pets because he somehow convinced me it wasn’t cat-napping because there were no marks on it.
-She works as a nurse, and when she gets home and on days off she does little house projects like adding moulding to her bedroom, building wood fences, and framing her basement. I get paid to work as a carpenter, and when I should be doing those things I’m usually drawing funny pictures of my bosses on 2x4s, locking people in jiffy johns, and shooting nails at the feet of the kid who shot me in the wrist. I pride myself on working as little as possible there because “that’s how I know I’m winning the game”. I DON’T EVEN FUCKING KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
-All her friends are married. Two of mine are. One isn’t a friend anymore and the other gets made of to the point he probably won’t be a friend anymore.
-She was married. I haven’t had a serious girlfriend since high school. The last things that people could possibly classify as traditional relationships I’ve been involved with have been; 1.) Hanging out with a girl who worked in a bar I always went to after she got off work around three days a week for maybe two months. Two of those nights were generally because I was downtown anyways and it was easy. 2.) A girl from Quebec who was in Vancouver for like a month on her way to moving to Saudi Arabia to work for a few years. 3.) I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s something equally as ridiculous.
So, why does this eat me up inside? I don’t know, and I like to think that it’s for a good reason, but chances are you’re either right and deep down inside I just can’t stand the thought of not nailing this girl. Conversely, it could be YOU HAVE TWO FUCKING KIDS AND YOU BRUSH ME OFF?! THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS....I DON’T HAVE KIDS AND A SCARY ASS EX....I BRUSH YOU AND YOUR WALKING PIECES OF BAGGAGE OFF. FUCK! I don’t know.
When I was with her last time she mentioned how she needed to sell her wedding and engagement ring and was thinking of doing it on craigslist. I instantly felt really bad for this girl – like I can’t even imagine how horrible that whole divorce with two kids thing must be. Beyond that, she has a new house and nurses don’t make that much. So, I didn’t ask WHY she needs to sell these – money or spite, but either way I’m thinking “Holy shit! I should help this girl”. Why? I can’t help her, and I probably don’t actually want to – I just want to think I want to.
The worst part is I’ll be sitting there doing school or working and all of a sudden think “why hasn’t this chick called back? Where did I fuck that up?” and start over-analysing things. If I was one of those “pickup artist” chumps I’d probably figure it was something stupid like I called too soon (note: if you’re a man you do what you want and goddamn call when you want. Change the things you naturally want to do and you change yourself). It’s horrible and like I said I don’t even know why I care. Rejection almost never bothers me, shit happens whatever. It’s not even like I actually know this girl. She also could very well call, and I’d be stressing over something stupid for no reason (I have good intuition about this kind of stuff though, and I really don’t think it’s going down).
It’s not like it’s this girl or nothing, I’ve been doing well for myself in a “turn over a new leaf and don’t sleep with barstars” sort of way. I honestly think the thing is that rejection only doesn’t bother me when I know what it’s about , but I subconsciously think this girl would have no reason at all to do so, and that’s what eats me up. Egotistical? Probably, and it’s kind of depressing that on some level I think that way.
And that’s where I stand. I don’t think I’m going to see her again, I’m not happy about it on one level, but on another I am. What would be really funny though is if she just totally wanted to hook up and that’s it and didn’t know how to go about it. Meanwhile, I totally misjudged the situation and am trying to avoid a guilt complex kicking in so I’m sitting there with her head on my lap going “don’t go for the makeout...don’t go for the makeout....don’t go for the makeout.” Ha, comedy.
I promise more explosions in my next long-winded life update.
